2410: Three Idiots and a Baby
by celticskyedancer
Summary: Take three Cosmos Warriors and mix in a baby: nothing too drastic. Then take one away, and you get complete chaos. Maybe a side-helping of Jecht will help...then again.


_A/N: I briefly mentioned this little escapade in _Half of the Cosmos Warriors…In a Hole?_ Now, you get to see exactly what Firion was talking about._

Take three Cosmos Warriors and add a baby; nothing too big. Then take away one, and you get total chaos. Maybe a side helping of Jecht would make things better…then again…

**2410: Three Idiots and a Baby**

"Absolutely not."

Cecil's face fell as he gawked at his two teammates. "What do you mean 'absolutely not'?"

"No, no way, not gonna happen, sorry, nope, nada, take your pick," Tidus said as he and Firion both held the paladin's pleading gaze.

"It's only for a few hours, and I'll be there half the time."

"We are not watching your kid," Firion said in a tone that said the decision was final.

"Besides," Tidus added, "I don't know a thing about babies."

"Well then this would be a great learning opportunity for you and Yuna someday," Cecil said with a smirk.

Tidus turned a deep crimson. "You can't…we haven't even…I'm like nineteen, Cecil; I'm nowhere near ready to have a kid."

Cecil merely shrugged. "Rosa and I had Ceodore when I was twenty-one and she was twenty."

"Yes, well Spira is a bit different from Baron; we don't get married quite so young."

"Didn't you tell us that people in Spira married when they were fifteen or sixteen?" Firion asked, glancing at his blond friend sideways.

Tidus scowled. "That was before we defeated Sin. Things have changed since then; people live longer."

Firion snickered. "Wait. So basically your dad was the cause of high teenage pregnancy rates in Spira? Why does that just make sense?"

"Hey!" Tidus shot back, "when you put it that way…"

"Regardless," Cecil said calmly, breaking up the two slightly younger warriors, "this still does not help my situation in any way."

"We are not doing it," Firion reiterated.

"Oh come on; I do favors for you two all the time."

"This is different," Tidus protested. "I don't know the first thing about babies, and before you pull the Yuna card on me, Firion is more likely to be married to Maria first before I marry Yuna."

"Yeah," Firion said, "and…What?" He turned to face Tidus. "Maria is just my friend; she's basically my sister."

Tidus smirked. "'Just friends' don't stare at their 'almost sister's' che…"

"This still doesn't solve anything," Cecil said rolling his eyes. "It's only for three hours while I'm off with the Warrior of Light. Then I'll be back to take care of him."

"Look, Cecil," Firion said, "we'd love to help you, but…"

"I'll tell Zidane who really raided his chocolate stash."

Two pairs of eyes (one sapphire, one hazel) stared at Cecil for a few stunned seconds. "How did you…?" Firion asked.

"That's bribery!" Tidus exclaimed.

Cecil shrugged. "Actually it's closer to blackmail, but I'm not above using it to get you two to help."

When neither responded after a moment, the paladin's voice softened. "Listen, I'm doing this for my wife Rosa. She already watches Ceodore all by herself while I'm gone working for Cosmos. She barely gets enough sleep as it is, and she desperately needs a break. However, every time I bring it up, she just smiles and says she's fine. So I'm not giving her a choice in this, but I need you two to take care of Ceodore for three simple hours. He'll probably just nap the whole time anyways."

"You just had to pull the wife card, didn't you?" Tidus asked darkly.

Cecil smiled in relief, realizing that he had won. "Thank you so much; I promise I will pay you two back somehow."

"Oh, I'm sure we'll think of something," Tidus replied.

"Are you sure about this Cecil?" Rosa asked, brushing golden hair out of her face. "You really don't have to do this; I know you're busy and all."

Cecil just smiled, kissing his wife on the forehead. "Relax Rosa, I've got everything under control. You do way too much anyways. So just enjoy your day off, okay?"

Rosa smiled, then glanced around her husband to glare at the two youths in the hallway. "If you upset my little baby in any way, I will make sure you suffer."

Both boys gulped nervously as Cecil started to push his wife out the door. "All right, Rosa. Ceodore will be fine; trust me. Firion and Tidus will do fine. Now just go and relax."

"All right," Rosa conceded. "But if you need anything…"

Cecil just smirked, kissing her goodbye on the cheek. "Go."

"Okay. But…"

"Go."

Rosa smiled at her husband before turning to board Cid's airship. Cecil just smiled at her with a lazy, contented grin on his face.

Tidus smirked, resting one arm on the paladin's shoulder. "You are so whipped."

Cecil scowled at Tidus. "I am in love."

"You're whipped."

"So are you, Tidus," Firion said. "I'm pretty sure Yuna could get you to do anything."

"Almost anything," the blitzball player countered. "She could not get me to cross-dress. Cloud's girlfriend can, and I highly respect her for that."

Firion held back a snicker. "Now, now, Tidus: Tifa didn't make Cloud cross-dress. He did it at Aerith's suggestion to rescue Tifa."

"It still shows dedication," Tidus responded. "I mean, I would do whatever it takes to save Yuna, but cross-dressing is an entirely different category." He smiled, glancing sideways at Cecil. "Of course our resident paladin cross-dresses everyday so…"

Cecil rolled his eyes. "Very mature, Tidus. Now…"

However, Tidus ignored him, swiping the baby from his arms. "Hey, he's pretty cute. And how are you, Ceodore? Who's a cute baby?"

"You sound like an idiot," Firion commented on the voice Tidus was using on Ceodore.

"Aw, have a heart, Frio," Tidus responded. "Even you have to agree that Cecil's kid is adorable."

"You can thank Rosa for that," Cecil responded.

"Hey Firion, come hold him for a second," Tidus said.

"Um, that's not a good idea," the warrior said. "I'd probably drop him."

"You'll be fine," Cecil responded. "He's not very heavy and doesn't wiggle much yet."

"Maybe in a minute," Firion started to say, but Tidus handed the child over anyways. He glanced down at the small child. "Well he is cute."

The child looked up straight at Firion and burst out into tears.

"Well, it looks like he thinks you're ugly as well," Tidus said with a chuckle.

"He probably just realized that Rosa isn't here," Cecil said, taking the sobbing infant from Firion. After gently rocking it back and forth for a moment, the baby calmed down.

"What do you mean by 'as well'?" Firion asked his blond companion darkly.

"Oh…you know," Tidus responded evasively, taking a large step away from the weapons master.

"Hey, will one of you get a plushie for Ceodore out of his diaper bag?" Cecil asked.

"Which one?" Tidus asked, holding up a chocobo plushie and a behemoth plushie.

"Either will work," the paladin replied.

Tidus handed the chocobo plushie to the baby. Ceodore shook the yellow bird up and down. "Aw he's so cute when…" The blond grunted as the child flung the toy in his face. "He has pretty good aim."

"Looks like he's not the only one who wants to throw something at Tidus' face," Firion smirked, taking the behemoth plushie from the blond and handing it to Ceodore. The child threw it immediately at the blitzer. "I wonder if we have anything harder that…"

"We are not using son to abuse Tidus even if it would be funny," Cecil said.

"Thank you," the blond responded dryly.

Firion merely smirked, returning the chocobo plushie to Ceodore, who threw it at Tidus. The blond athlete ducked, turning to face Firion. "Ha!" he exclaimed, only to get blindsided by the behemoth doll. He glared over at Cecil who did a spectacular job at looking innocent.

"It must be national pick on Tidus day," the blond lamented.

"No, that was last week after you spilt coffee all over yourself," Firion said.

"And left the Warrior of Light without his morning caffeine," Cecil added.

"Total, freak accident," Tidus protested.

"The Warrior of Light with no caffeine," Firion said. "Not a good combination: all your fault."

"Squall was the one who didn't go grocery shopping for more coffee earlier," Tidus said.

"Who spilt it?" Cecil asked.

Tidus just scowled only to be hit by another plushie.

Firion snickered as he took the baby from Cecil. "He's pretty smart for a kid who's not even one." However, his smile turned to a wince of pain as Ceodore grasped his ponytail and yanked. Hard. "Ow! He's pretty strong."

"Yeah, that's why it's not good to have long hair around him," Cecil said, having had his hair yanked on multiple times.

"Well it's not that big of a..ow! Tidus, come get him."

"You know," Tidus responded. "I think I'll let him tug on your hair for a little bit more."

Firion glared at him. "Just because he threw plushies at you…"

"Who kept giving him plushies?" the blond countered.

"Guilty as charged," Firion said, wincing as Ceodore yanked on his hair again. "Now please hold him for a second."

Tidus obliged, taking the infant from Firion. "Does his yanking your hair that bad hurt?"

"Yes," Firion and Cecil said together.

Tidus rocked Ceodore back and forth for a moment until the baby started bawling. "Shh, it's okay little buddy…uh…." He looked up at Cecil with pleading blue eyes, completely unsure of what to do.

"He's probably hungry," Cecil said. "Rosa told me that we would need to feed him shortly after he arrived. Come on, I'll show you how to feed him so you'll know what to do after I leave."

"Okay," Firion said as he and Tidus followed Cecil into the kitchen.

"Rosa has already packed several bottles filled with the formula so you just have to warm it up a little," Cecil responded. "Just put it in the microwave for a few seconds to get it warm. Not hold or cold. Just room temperature. You can test it on your wrist to make sure it's the right temperature." During his entire explanation, Cecil also heated up one of the bottles before handing it to Tidus. "And then you can feed him."

"Sounds easy enough," Tidus replied with a shrug as he held the bottle so that Ceodore could drink from it. The child sucked greedily from the bottle. "Wow, he sure is hungry."

When Ceodore had finished with the bottle, Tidus took it from the child, placing it on the counter. After a few minutes the baby became fussy again. Tidus looked up at the paladin helplessly. "Uh Cecil?"

"He needs to burp so just rest him over your shoulder and pat him on the back," Cecil explained. "Although you might want to put a towel under him first because he might…"

The baby burped, and Tidus cringed as he felt slobber fall onto the back of his shirt.

"Do that," Cecil finished with a guilty smile.

"Thanks for telling me that after the fact," Tidus muttered, handing the now-sated baby over to Firion. "I'll be back in a minute after I change."

"Well Ceodore doesn't seem like he'll be that much trouble," Firion observed, watching as the baby glanced up at him with curious blue eyes.

"He usually cries if he needs something so that's your clue that he's either hungry or needs his diaper changed," Cecil replied. "Other than that he's fairly easy to deal with."

Firion wrinkled his nose. "I think he may need his diaper changed now."

"Well then I'll have to show you and Tidus how to do that as well," Cecil responded.

After fetching the blond and showing both boys how to change a diaper, Cecil laid his son down for a nap. "I'm heading out with the Warrior of Light for now," the paladin replied. "Hopefully this mission won't take too long and I'll be back before Ceodore wakes up. Any questions?"

"I think we'll be good," Firion responded.

Cecil nodded. "I'll call to check up on you later. Bye!"

"Well this isn't so bad," Tidus responded after the paladin left. "The kid will probably sleep the entire time."

Firion shrugged.

All that changed when Ceodore woke up. Tidus had just come into check on him, and the child stared up at him with intense sapphire eyes. "Hey Rosebud, he's up!" Tidus exclaimed. And then Ceodore started bawling.

"What did you do to him?" Firion asked irritably as he walked back into the living room.

Tidus was frantically rocking the child back and forth in a futile attempt to calm the hysterical infant. "He just woke up and started screaming." He set his pleading gaze on Firion. "I don't know what's wrong. I think he realized neither of his parents are here."

"Well then hopefully he'll calm down in a moment," Firion responded. He walked over and picked up one of the child's stuffed animals from the table, handing it to the boy. Even though the baby grasped it tightly, its wails did not lessen.

"It's okay Ceodore," Tidus said. "I've got you. Your daddy will be back later." He looked up at Firion with a desperate gaze that said "Help."

"Maybe it's your ugly face," Firion responded, still miffed at Tidus' earlier comment.

The blond blitzball player glared at Firion before whacking him upside the head. The child giggled at the sight of Firion getting hit. "Hey," Tidus said with a smirk on his face. "That worked."

"No," Firion responded, taking a step back defensively.

Tidus only took a step closer. "We have to keep Ceodore happy."

"I am not letting myself get beat up just to keep Ceodore from crying." However, as soon as he had said that, the child burst into hysterical sobs once again.

"Do you want to listen to his cries for the next couple of hours?" Tidus asked. "Cecil won't be back for almost two hours."

"Point taken," Firion grumbled. "…Fine."

Tidus just grinned as he whacked Firion again, causing Ceodore to laugh in glee. However, he ceased to be amused after two more hits, resuming his plaintive wailing. Tidus groaned. "Why won't he stop crying!"

"I don't speak baby Tidus," Firion responded calmly. "Maybe he'll laugh if I hit you."

"Don't even think about it," the blond responded instantly.

"Two more hours of crying," Firion said dryly, whacking Tidus upside the head. Ceodore stopped crying only for a second of laughter before crying yet again.

"Maybe he's hungry again," Tidus suggested.

Firion sighed, taking the sobbing child from Tidus. "Let's go see if that will work." He walked into the kitchen and placed one of the already-made bottles into the microwave. However, Ceodore only drank a little bit before he resumed his crying.

"Did Cecil pack a pacifier?" Tidus asked.

"A what?" Firion asked.

"A pacifier. You know, the thing they suck on when they're whiny."

"I don't know, Tidus," Firion responded. "Why don't you go check? I kind of have my hands full."

"Okay, okay," Tidus said, heading back into the living room. He dug around the diaper bag and scowled. Surely there must be a pacifier in there somewhere. "Ah ha!" he exclaimed, pulling out his prize. "Found it!"

"Well hurry up," Firion snapped from the kitchen. Even from the living room, Ceodore's loud sobs were beginning to wear Tidus out. He imagined Firion felt the same.

"Here you go little buddy," Tidus cooed, slipping the pacifier into the child's mouth. Immediately the young boy quieted, and both Cosmos Warriors sighed in relief. Then Ceodore spat out the pacifier and resumed his wailing.

Tidus rinsed the pacifier off and once again attempted to give it to Ceodore. The child spat it out again. After two more futile attempts, the blond blitzball player gave up. "Come on Ceodore," he pleaded with the child. "Please stop crying. Cecil will be back later. We're not _that_ bad."

"Obviously we are," Firion muttered darkly.

"Let's try checking his diaper," Tidus suggested.

However, changing his diaper did not work although Firion very much enjoyed watching Tidus get peed on. "Got any other suggestions?" Tidus asked the snickering weapons master.

"Yes. It's called a silence spell."

"What!" the blitzball player exclaimed. "You can't use magic on a baby!"

"It's just a little silence spell," Firion responded. "He can cry, and we won't hear him."

"But what if he starts crying and really needs something?" Tidus asked.

"He's crying now and needs nothing," Firion countered.

"We're not going to," Tidus started to say but never finished as Firion had snatched one of Cloud's silence materia, casting the white magic spell on the infant. Both gawked as nothing happened.

"Just remembered," Tidus said. "Rosa's a powerful white mage with a lot of magical resistance so maybe Ceodore inherited some of her gift." (1)

Firion just rolled her eyes. "Okay, now we try a sleep spell."

"Absolutely not!" Tidus exclaimed, snatching the infant from Firion. "Sleep spells can have nasty side-effects. We are not casting 'Sleep' on Cecil's kid."

"Do you want to listen to him crying for the next two hours?" Firion demanded.

"It's only an hour and forty minutes now," Tidus retorted. "And we're not trying to cast any more spells on him and that's final. Here. I'll call Cloud and see if he can help."

Cloud answered on the third ring. "What is it?"

"Firion and I need your help."

"I'm a little busy."

"We got stuck with Cecil's crying baby and…"

"Tidus, I am stuck in a barn with Luneth surrounded by at least twenty demon children. I kind of have my hands full at the moment."

"You…what?" Tidus snickered.

He could picture Cloud rolling his eyes. "If you tell anyone, I kill you."

"Um…okay." He hung up the phone and turned to face Firion. "Cloud is incapacitated at the moment."

"Meaning?" Firion asked.

"I promised I wouldn't tell."

Firion glared at him until the doorbell rang. "I'll get it," Tidus muttered, praying to the fayth that it was someone who could help them out like Terra (who was good with kids). Instead, he saw the one person he definitely did not want to see and was actually glad about it for once.

Jecht stood smirking in the doorway. "Well if it isn't the little crybaby? I thought I'd drop by to settle our score."

Tidus smirked. Perfect. All he had to do was retrieve his blade and get the hell out of there. "One sec, and I'll show you who's better."

"You are _not_ leaving me alone with _this_," Firion said dryly, stepping into the front hallway.

Jecht eyed the wailing baby in Firion's arms with an amused smirk, glancing between the two young men.

"It's Cecil's kid, dad!" Tidus exclaimed, glaring darkly at his father. "And we got stuck on babysitting duty."

"Well the kid has hair somewhere between blond and silver and blue eyes," Jecht said. "You never know."

Both Cosmos Warriors sent him scathing looks.

"So that's Ceodore," Jecht said.

"How did you know his name?" Firion asked.

"Golbez mentioned it once, and Cecil talked about him."

"Cecil talked to you about his son?"

Jecht shrugged. "Among other things involving being a dad."

"Cecil came to you for parenting advice?" Tidus asked in shock. Ceodore's wailing grew louder.

"What did you do to it?" Jecht asked.

"We didn't do anything to _him_," Tidus shot back. "He just woke up and started bawling, and we've tried everything to get him to stop but…" His jaw dropped as Jecht took the baby from Firion and started bouncing it up and down.

Ceodore stopped crying and started to giggle.

"I really don't see what the problem is," Jecht responded.

"You…how…you…we…what!" Tidus exclaimed.

"You sound like an idiot," Firion responded. "How did you do that?" he asked Jecht.

"Believe me, I have plenty of experience with crybabies," the older man answered with a smirk in Tidus' direction.

Tidus bristled at the barely veiled insult. "Well thanks for silencing him, but…"

"Will you help us?" Firion asked.

"What!" Tidus exclaimed, whirling around to face his friend. "We can't ask for _his_ help. He's terrible with kids."

"You're right," Firion said as if having an epiphany. "Look how you turned out."

"You see…what!" Tidus glowered at the weapons master.

"He's the only one here who knows what the hell he's doing," Firion retorted. "He's been down this road before, and we need help."

"I'm sure Ceodore will be fine now," Tidus replied, taking the baby back from Jecht. However, it merely started sobbing again.

Jecht took him back with a smirk. "I guess he likes me better than you."

Tidus glowered at his father.

"Are you free for the next hour and a half?" Firion asked.

"Sure, I got nothing better to do," Jecht responded with a mostly indifferent shrug.

"This is a bad idea," Tidus muttered although deep down he knew that Firion was right.

Cecil arrived a half-an-hour early. He showed mild surprise at the sight of Jecht. "What is he…?" He glanced over briefly at Ceodore who had fallen back asleep.

"When Ceodore woke up he wouldn't stop crying," Firion said, "and Jecht was the only one who could shut him up."

"I see," Cecil responded. "I apologize for any inconvenience…"

Jecht waved his hand casually. "He's not half as bad as my son."

"I resent that," Tidus muttered darkly, glaring up at his father.

"So I take it we can get our match on now?" Jecht asked.

"Of course," Tidus smirked. "Bring it on old man!"

"Tidus, you agreed to help me all day," Cecil responded. _I hope my son won't be _that_ disrespectful._

"But…" the blond protested.

"I have blackmail."

"I hate you."

Cecil shrugged. "I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."

Jecht merely shrugged in response. "Whatever. See ya later, crybaby!"

"I'll show you I'm no crybaby tomorrow!" Tidus responded heatedly. "How long until Rosa returns?"

_**Fin**_

(1) In my party in Final Fantasy IV for the DS, silence spells did not affect Rosa or Rydia. I imagine that trait got passed down to Ceodore.

_A/N: I hope everyone enjoyed it. Now if you could please make my day and push that little button right below here that would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading!_


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